By Jack Handy........
Have you seen the recent wave of Retro movies, based on maybe the 70's or the 80's ? These films are difficult to make because you have to 'recreate' the look of that era, hairdo's, Cars, mannerisms. A great way to create the look 'of the times' is to make a movie, then lock it away for fifteen years, then when you show it to your buddies they'll all gasp in awe at the slightest detail recreated. Also if you star in the movie you'll look a lot younger.
J Handy
Don't you just love lateral thinkers !!
Here's another top tip:
Celebrate your annual date of birth with a cake and a party!
Pete
If you spend the usual length of time setting up and optimising NLE kit, then repeating the process because you just had to install that latest beta. Then playing with transitions and filters you will never use you will find this usually fills the required time period between filming and release which may help explain this phenonemon.
If all the millions of hours spent by people all over the world watching Windows reboot were added together I'd be very surprised.
Rayleigh Fen
(It's a place in Essex)
Everybody on the earth would fit onto the Isle of Wight, just thought you'd like to know that.
Aren't there any warmer islands where we can test the theory?
If we tried it out in Australia, we'd all have room to sit down too.
Pete
My favourite Viz tip :
Don't waste money on expensive personalised number plates. Simply change your name by deed poll to match your existing plates !
Yours,
R 651 VOO
Right, done that. I'll now be known as Fat Bloated Tart if that's OK.
G818 FBT
By Jack Handy.
I am in the midst of shooting
a documnetary about England and it made me think about my own personnal feelings towards the UK. It inspired me to ask the question " Am I patriotic enough ? Yes, I want to kill people, but from BOTH sides.."
Tom, that's OK with me, but I'd like to see a picture to prove it 
Vega, are you smoking something interesting?
No Sir, don't smoke and only drink at Social gatherings...my problem is that sometimes, Mr Jack Handy gets the better of me...and will probably say something totally irrelvant. I apolise now for anything he may well say in the future....
Craig Mitchell
(Tom Vega)
Alan, he IS smoking something interesting. I think it's his sofa - I'm none the wiser, are you?
By Jack Handy.....
It's a Futon you know.
I've been watching a lot of documentaries on TV, to help with my own Documentary project,
and do you know what i'd like to see ? A nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out
of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish
pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!
Tom, it sounds like it might well be his sofa. I'm still not enlightened much though.
Or the worm holds tight, bringing the whole caboodle the the ground with a THWACK!
If only my videoing was as imaginative as Vega, I'm getting a contact high...
Paul
Would a fish instinctively know that worms come out of the ground (considering that they're used to seeing them on hooks floating in the briney)?
You'd need a well-trained fish with good eyes, good relexes, and a thorough understanding of terra firma.
But what I'd really like to see is this:
The fish grabs the worm.
The Eagle soars into the sky.
We follow a thin line of thread back down from the worm to the ground.
A fisherman is hauled out of the dirt and carried off into the blue...
Happens all the time, I'm sure - and if we set up a circle of cameras, we can do a Centre Parks adverty type thing with it too!
Pete
Paul and Pete - stop eating sofas and get back to work. Alan - you and I are the only two sane people here, and we make arty two hour documentaries about potters and brick makers. I'm planning one on that chap in Balham who drills the holes in the end of tooth brushes.
tom.
By Jack Handy.........
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!
How do they do that?!
Tom, that was the best laugh I've had in days.
Tom
He doesn't drill them, he carves them on his forge.
Ray
He carves them on his forge? What kind of talk is that?
By Jack Handy........
I'm losing my audience, my fifteen minutes
are up !!
That's not all you're losing, but it's all right I've found it. You wouldn't believe it's the first time I've water skied, would you?
Ask Dennis Norden. He wrote it (with Frank Muir) as well as the wonderful couplet
"Matched by no marble, save in eastern scene
A country churchyard, half as Gold'as Green"
Ray